The Wind That Blew The Ash Away

[onediagonalscar]

Like his life, Axel’s dying wish is about Roxas; is to protect Roxas. It’s so stupid that he can’t help grinning. All he wants to do is to keep him safe, this boy who is now quite literally killing him. There’s a bruise blooming on Roxas’ forearm where the chakram had glanced off, and Axel fights the urge to roll back his sleeves and delve under the darkening skin; to feel the bones grind; to fix it.

He wants more than anything to tell him, now, before it’s too late. Now, at the last, when it can’t possibly matter anymore, to tell him the truth even though it might hurt him. To tell him that this is all there is, that there is nothing after this, that there is no more. To tell him, finally, how much it had hurt that Roxas had never been able to take what he had wanted to give him. But when it comes to Roxas he’s a coward, and has always been a coward, and he can’t do it, so he just says “let’s meet again in the next life” and hates himself.

He watches Roxas; can’t take his eyes off him. Sad, he thinks, sad sad sad, always so sad. I always wanted to make you laugh; to help it to stop; to make you proud. To scream at you and cut you to into ribbons and break you into pieces, just so I could make you whole again and hope again.

He wants to tell Roxas how unfair it is, that they had to suffer for so long; suffer something that could never be; that was impossible not because of who they were, but because of what they were. He wants to tell Roxas that he’s glad that it’s finally over, that there can be no more pain, no more longing, no more helpless, hopeless desire. But Roxas says “I’ll be waiting” and he can’t do it.

He wants to tell him how much he’d longed to make him stay; how much he’d wanted to convince him that he’d be loved; was loved, even once they were torn apart. Now, finally, at the very end, he wants Roxas to understand how he’d always wondered which one of them would be the one to break the other’s heart. But he feels the emptiness in his chest, and can’t let it end on a lie.

“Silly,” he says…

[and waits for the wind to come and blow the ash away]